Why does it hurt to receive constructive feedback and how can we learn to take it more constructively, without feeling offended?

Receiving constructive feedback can be challenging for many people because it often involves confronting areas where we may need improvement or where our actions or work have not met expectations. The discomfort or hurt that can accompany receiving feedback is a common emotional response. However, it’s essential to learn how to take constructive feedback more constructively, as it can be a valuable source of personal and professional growth. Here are some reasons why it can be difficult and strategies to help you handle feedback more effectively:

Why It Can Be Difficult:

1. Ego and Self-Image: Constructive feedback can feel like a blow to our ego and self-esteem. It challenges our self-image and can trigger feelings of inadequacy or defensiveness.

2. Fear of Failure or Rejection: Feedback can trigger our fear of failure or rejection, as it highlights areas where we may have fallen short. This fear can make feedback emotionally charged.

3. Misinterpretation: Sometimes, feedback is poorly delivered or perceived as criticism rather than constructive advice. This can lead to defensive reactions.

How to Take Constructive Feedback More Constructively:

1. Shift Your Mindset: Approach feedback with a growth mindset. Understand that feedback is an opportunity for improvement, not a judgment of your worth as a person. Embrace the idea that mistakes and areas for growth are a natural part of learning and development.

Example: Imagine you receive feedback from a colleague that your recent presentation lacked clarity. Instead of taking it personally and feeling defensive, remind yourself that this feedback is an opportunity to enhance your communication skills and deliver better presentations in the future.

2. Practice Active Listening: When receiving feedback, actively listen to what the other person is saying without immediately formulating a response. Give them your full attention and ask clarifying questions if necessary to ensure you understand their perspective.

Example: Your manager provides feedback that your project timeline is too optimistic and needs adjustment. Instead of immediately defending your plan, listen carefully to their concerns, ask for specific examples, and acknowledge their input.

3. Delay Your Response: If you feel an emotional reaction coming on, it’s okay to take a moment before responding. You can say something like, “Thank you for your feedback. I’d like some time to think about it before discussing further.” This can help you avoid reacting defensively.

Example: After a team meeting, a coworker suggests that you interrupted others frequently. Instead of reacting defensively in the moment, you say, “I appreciate your feedback. Let’s discuss this further tomorrow after I’ve had some time to reflect.”

4. Separate Identity from Behavior: Recognize that feedback is typically about your actions or work, not your identity as a person. It’s about what you did or how you performed, not who you are.

Example: A friend tells you that you’ve been distant lately. Instead of feeling like a bad friend, remind yourself that this feedback is about recent behavior and not a reflection of your overall character. You can inquire about what specifically made them feel that way and work together to improve the situation.

5. Seek Specifics: Ask for specific examples or details to better understand the feedback. This can help you pinpoint areas for improvement and take actionable steps.

Example: Your professor gives feedback on your essay, stating that it lacks supporting evidence. Instead of simply accepting the feedback, you ask for specific examples or areas where you can include more evidence to strengthen your argument.

6. Reflect and Self-Assess: After receiving feedback, take time to reflect on it. Ask yourself if there is validity in the feedback and if it aligns with your goals and values. Consider how you can use the feedback to grow and improve.

Example: Your partner shares feedback that you’ve been less attentive in your relationship. Take time to reflect on your recent actions and behaviors. If you realize you’ve been preoccupied with work, you can plan to prioritize quality time together.

7. Express Gratitude: Thank the person providing feedback for taking the time to help you improve. Expressing appreciation can help foster a positive and open feedback culture.

Example: Your coworker points out an error in your report. You respond with, “Thank you for catching that mistake. I appreciate your attention to detail, and it helps me improve the quality of our work.”

8. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Remember that nobody is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes or has room for improvement. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend in a similar situation.

Example: You receive feedback that your recent cooking experiment didn’t turn out well. Instead of feeling like a failure in the kitchen, remind yourself that everyone has cooking mishaps, and it’s an opportunity to learn and try again.

9. Set Goals: Use feedback as a foundation for setting achievable goals for personal or professional development. Creating action plans can help you focus on making positive changes.

Example: Your mentor provides feedback that you need to improve your time management skills. You set a goal to prioritize tasks, use a productivity technique, and seek their guidance as you work on this skill.

10. Seek Support: If receiving feedback consistently triggers strong emotional reactions, consider talking to a therapist or counselor. They can help you explore underlying emotional responses and provide strategies for managing them effectively.

Example: You consistently become very defensive when your partner offers relationship feedback. You decide to seek couples therapy to better understand and manage your emotional responses during discussions.

Remember that learning to receive constructive feedback more constructively is a skill that can be developed with practice over time. It can lead to personal and professional growth, improved relationships, and a more open and collaborative work and social environment.